I'm just feeling a jumble of emotions and ranges of thoughts and scenarios are running through my mind. I feel like tomorrow is the start of an unbelievable journey... not one I ever wanted to take, and certainly not one so early in my life.My mom has cancer. cancer. I feel kind of weird writing the blog when its my mom going through this. Its her life. But I feel like its happening to me too. I have the responsibility of caring for her. And its a role that I am honoured to take on. She's my mom. But then I have moments… moments where I think ‘what the fuck has just happened here?’ How could I really have been sitting here 8 days ago with my biggest worry being about my new job? The words hit me like a weird lead balloon that made everything surreal and almost numbing. Days later I still couldn't wrap my head around her words "I have cancer." She was genuinely surprised to say it. But it was the first time she ever said those words to someone else. I'm sure she said them in the mirror to herself before I came over. Probably like a hundred times. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just what I would have done. Like saying it in front of the mirror is any more real than accepting a god damn academy award in front of the mirror. But I still would have done it. The days have been stringing along, with no break-neck pace you come to expect with a cancer diagnosis. But I guess that's because we still don't know what kind of cancer she has. Its in her lymph node, and soon to be discovered somewhere else, we figure. So we wait. I say 'we' alot... I don't want her to ever feel like she's alone. I think about this probably almost as much as her. And you think about it a bit too, otherwise you wouldn't be reading it, right? So tonight I sit in my living room. {un}blissfully unaware. Unaware of the extent. And the biggest thing that hit me this week is... this week will either be the worst part of this journey, or the best. How so depends on how you look at it. I'm a glass either-way-depending-on-the-situation kind of gal. Right now I can't trust a glass that's half full. Half full right now is kinda bullshit. Cause its not like someone kinda 'half' has cancer. They either have it or they don't.
